A Friendly Warning

Hey guys, long time no talk!

(Just letting you know, I wrote this a long time ago, so keep that in mindJ)

                This weekend, I went home for an event at my old high school that tons of alumni go to. I was so excited to see all my friends that were coming home and to be doing something with my sister. I was just really looking forward to it! Then, on Thursday night, I was having a talk with one of my best friends from home who conveniently goes to the same college (it’s always nice to have at least one….you know, girl emergencies and such) and she was really upset that I was going home for this event that we knew my ex would be at. She said even though there was only a small chance of a direct run-in, I had made so much progress since we broke up (after 2 years together, in case you didn’t know). She also didn’t want me to look like “pathetic ex-girlfriend running around the old high school,” but I could care less about that.

                All night, I could not figure out what my friend meant. Did she think that although I’m not totally over it, I would regress back to being a total basket-case? That I would go back to changing the radio station every time any type of love song came on? That would go back to posting everything I did on Facebook to show him how “happy” I am and how great my life is? Well, I still sort of do that, let’s be honest. But really, does she think I’m that weak? Ladies and gents, I now know EXACTLY what she meant. The hole is back in my chest, the sinking feeling back in my stomach, the choking sadness back in my throat. Just from seeing him…and him not even acknowledging me. Awkward encounter is one thing, this was a whole new kind of hurt.

                When you think of 2 months after a break up, you picture someone moving on with their life, or even someone who’s perfectly okay when they reflect on their relationship, even someone who’s friends with their ex. I have realized that I am nowhere near this stage. Why does it feel like in the ending of relationships, I’m the only person who can’t let go?

Massive Uploading!

I know I've gotten behind lately because of school, but prepare yourselves for a major comeback...
Peace and Love,
Emmy

Identity Crisis!

New York City, the fashion capital of the world. The kind of place where you have to make even your comfiest outfits cute or you feel self-conscious. Whether your style is chic and fashion-forward or relaxed and edgy, New York City seems to have a whole lot of people who seem to have the same unique vision that you do. Even living in a small town I noticed this becoming a problem: no matter how different your “you” style was, you would see other individuals who looked as if they were going for the exact same vibe. My question is this: how do we remain a one-of-a-kind when everything different about us is becoming mainstream?

                I don’t know about you guys, but I always considered my personality and my interests as slightly quirky. I tend to be a combo of hipster, nerdy and fashionista. It works somehow, I swear. Anyway, I enjoy videogames, both old and under-appreciated music, records, Disney and superheroes (I tend to be more of a Marvel girl as well). On top of this, I somehow also tend to enjoy the more mainstream girly things, including makeup, fashion and the classic Audrey Hepurn. These have obviously been interests that have developed throughout my entire life. Do any of these things sound familiar? It seems like all of these special topics that I thought made my interests unique have become mainstream in every way possible. In other words, what I’m finding now is that a huge challenge is facing all of us: being different is now considered generic. I’m therefore finding it even more difficult to attempt to be original, seeing as the majority of my interests have become mainstream phenomena. Everything we thought we knew about “hipster style,” “boho,” “superhero nerds” and “cute girls who secretly like videogames” is disappearing into mainstream concepts.

                So here’s an even bigger question: what do we do now? After a long and thorough thought process before posting this article, I finally came to a concrete conclusion: Screw it! If everything we do in an attempt to be different is getting classified as mainstream, then who cares about labels? I say dress how you want, be interested in what you want, do what every person should be aiming to do with their style. This way, whatever makes you the happiest and brings you the most joy is going to become your “style.” I’m pretty sure that’s how most types of styles were created in the first place! Instead of trying to fit into an existing type of style or a combo of different styles in an attempt to avoid being mainstream, just take all of your favorite things and combine them to make your own style, a new style. And if anyone calls you mainstream for what you enjoy, then who cares? If it’s a part of your style, then there’s a reason why you love it.

Peace and love,
Emmy

Personal Rant

Hey everyone!

                This is my very first post from my new dorm room in New York City! This is also my very first post that isn’t premeditated in any way. I have just been going through something that I wanted to share with my amazing readers to hear if you guys have any advice for me or any relatable stories because I’m feeling a little alone here.

                Warning: I’m probably going to end up being brutally honest and open here, which means I’m putting myself out there on the internet and am going to be in a vulnerable position, so please, only positive comments and feedback are encouraged. If you have nothing nice to say, please let this be a time when you don’t say anything at all. So for the past few years, I’ve been struggling with depression. It started right around my senior year of high school, but the worst it ever got was last year while I was going to school in Connecticut. Everyone says depression in college is sooooo common and I understand that, but I only went to school for one semester and I came home every weekend, so it wasn’t homesickness. I also thought it was my lack of motivation toward the theater program at the school where I was bored all the time, but it was really more my anxiety that was driving me crazy. During the day I’d be fine, but at night I would miss my family (even though I saw them every weekend), I was having scary thoughts about death and the meaning of life and God and my religion, to the point where I would have panic attacks almost nightly after my roommate fell asleep. I have always struggled with anxiety, but never social anxiety or anything like that. I love being around a lot of people and speaking in front of people. My anxiety always stems from my own thoughts that I try so hard to push out of my head but just can’t. It got to a point where I obviously dreaded going to sleep, so I ended up staying up super late and eventually starting sleeping all day through several classes at a time. I still passed with a 3.9 GPA just because I was so bored, but it was still a problem.

                Over winter break, I decided to take a semester off because I felt like I was wasting time while making my mental state a mess. So, during my semester home, the anxiety part got better, but the depression got worse because I was constantly mad at things that were beyond control, like my parents’ actions as well as their divorce and things like that. I continued auditioning for schools with a feeling of “I can’t wait to get away from my parents so I can stop being angry.” I started cutting myself to release some of my constant frustration, but that was only a temporary fix until the next urge. I stopped that within three months because I realized how irrational it was. I still got urges, but I haven’t acted on them since. When I got into Tisch, I was nothing but excited. Then, the night before I left for move in, I had a minor panic attack. However, I didn’t even cry when my mom, dad and sister left from moving me into the city. The second night, the anxiety began to kick up again and for the past two nights, I’ve wanted nothing more than to forget this whole thing and go back home and go to community college so that my family can help me through this anxiety. BUT I’m absolutely fine during the day, with the exception of momentary lapses. I don’t have any urges to cut anymore, I just have no idea what’s going on with me. It’s not just “Oh, I’m depressed” because for the most part, I don’t really feel that way. I almost feel bipolar depending on the time of day, but I don’t think it’s severe enough to be categorized that way, I’m honestly at a loss. I really did expect everything to stop when I got here, and so far it hasn’t. All I know is that my anxiety is making me not want to be here when this has been my dream for as long as I can remember, so if anyone has any advice or ideas, please share! Thank you guys and I appreciate any support.

Peace and love,
Emmy

Personal Update

Hey guys,

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. I’m going through kind of a rough time. This isn’t a post I planned or anything, so I’m just going to openly tell you what’s going on. My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up last week. It was pretty mutual, but that surprisingly didn’t make it any less painful. I was extremely hurt by things that he said to me during this break up, even though I know it wasn’t necessarily intended. Anyway, I’ll be getting back to writing soon so leave me some comments about what you want me to talk about. 

Thanks guys,

Emmy

More Like "Abercrombie and Bitch!"

Hello all,

                I have a whole list of things that I’ve been wanting to write about and just have not gotten around to it, so just bear with me, because a few of my topics are going to backtrack a little bit…like this one! This is a very sensitive topic, so I would value anything any of you beautiful people have to say about it.

                One topic in the media that actually got a genuinely real reaction from me was the whole “Abercrombie and Fitch” situation. You know, the one in which the president of the company (or something like that) essentially said that he didn’t want larger people wearing their clothes because he doesn’t want “those types of people” representing their brand? I have only one thing to say to this….are you freaking joking??? Talk about isolating clientele!

                First of all, this is really concerning to me because in today’s society, young teenagers don’t need to be pressured about their bodies any more than they already are by the media. And who are basically the only people you know that buy and wear Abercrombie and Fitch clothing? Middle and high schoolers. It just so happens that this is also when body image issues arise and are the most intense! Trying to shop at a store so you can fit in at school and then being told that they don’t have your size because they don’t want larger people representing their brand would be absolutely devastating to a 13 or 14 year old. In addition, they only sell XL sizes in men’s shirts (for more muscular men), but they don’t carry any at all for women. One word: sexist. And we all know how small those clothes run. If anything, they’re just cutting down the number of customers that could purchase their clothing. How much sense does that make?

                Let’s also keep in mind that all of this bullcrap is on top of them only hiring the equivalent of super models to work in their stores. Trust me, I get it. Your looks are almost always a part of your job, or at least to a certain point. I don’t know about you, but the only thing that it does for me is make me feel like shit whenever I go in there! And not in a “I want to buy your clothes so I can look more like her” kind of way. I know they’re not the only store that does this, but it’s why I choose not to even go into Hollister or Gilly Hicks either.

                My main question is: Since when can a store tell us, paying customers, whether or not we can wear their clothing based on our body type? What does it say about our country that, knowing this, people still shop there and their stores are thriving? It saddens me that a store’s “image” can dictate which customers are good enough to purchase their products. Please let me know of your opinions about this. Being a somewhat larger girl all my life, I know I feel personally offended by this on so many levels. Anyway, feel free to talk to me!

Update!

Hey everyone!

                I know it’s been a while, but this is just a quick little update to hear if any of you lovely readers are going through anything similar to what I am. So, technically, being home (still), I have been doing nothing. BUT, I've actually been doing quite a lot! That’s not sarcasm. (I know, hard to tell on the computer. Haha). Anyway, I've been applying to jobs online, which completely sucks. Also, I've been setting tons of personal goals. Stay with me, I promise it’s less lame than it sounds. I've been trying to eat right and get in shape—that’s been my main focus and it’s so much easier when you have plenty of time to focus on it. Also, I've been choreographing the songs I’m going to teach my little kids at theater camp in a few weeks. Oh, and I decided to learn piano, so I bought a lesson book and am using my mom’s old keyboard every day. I’m also reading “East of Eden” by John Steinbeck every night before I go to sleep, seeing as I always wanted to and never had time. Finally, I’m trying to keep my house, specifically my room, clean and organized. This one is a complete work in progress, but I’m proud of myself nonetheless! If anybody else can relate, I would certainly love to hear about it!

Peace and love,

Emmy

More Exciting News!

Hellooooo everyone!

                My studio consensus is in….and I was placed in an acting studio! I don’t know if I’m allowed to say which one specifically (so I won’t), but all that you guys need to know is that it’s not musical theater, as I had originally intended. Before you start feeling bad for me, let me just say this much: I’m not disappointed! You may be a little surprised, but trust me, I have plenty of justifications of why I’m still just as excited.

                First, Tisch is one of the best drama schools, so getting in at all is a big enough accomplishment. Second of all, I always thought that my acting was good, but not fantastic or anything too special. But the fact that I could sing and dance, and in addition was an average actor, made me think that musical theater was the only place for me. The idea that someone saw potential in me just from two, one-minute long monologues makes me feel like a completely different person. Yes, this changes my plan a little bit, but maybe that’s what I needed: a game-changing, completely unexpected opportunity. Although I am a little worried that I’ll be losing the “musical theater” part of myself (which is most of me), I also know that so many new doors that I thought were closed for me are now open.

                Now, one thing I would like to clear up is what exactly Tisch is, and what it actually means that I got into an “acting studio.” Okay, so Tisch is a conservatory-like drama school that is a part of New York University in New York City, also called Manhattan, for those of you who are completely lost;) You do have to get accepted to the university academically in addition to getting chosen in the audition process, just as a heads up to some of you hopefuls out there! There are eight studios within Tisch: one for the technical and production aspect of things, one for musical theater and the rest for different types or methods of acting. I can give more details about actual classes and workload and stuff once I get there (since I really don’t know about that yet at all), but for now, that’s the basic plot of my future college experience. If you’re looking into Tisch as a possibility, or NYU at all for that matter, it is pretty expensive—which is yet another hurdle in my life at the moment. I just wanted to warn you so none of you would get sticker shock when doing your research.

                Now that you know what Tisch is, my story seems a lot more exciting, right? Yay for being in the loop!:) My final reason for not being disappointed with an acting studio (yes, we’re back to that), is that I went through not one (like most students), but two emotionally stressful rounds of college auditions at five schools in different states each time. During all of this, I got rejected by all of them until my very last audition this year. I’m not very pretty, I’m not “hot” or “sexy” in any way, I’m strangely shaped and an odd height and yet, this school thinks I have the promise to be a real, professional actress. Not that your looks define your talent, they just really help you in the acting business, unfortunately. This opportunity means the world to me because I thought that I didn't have the talent, but now I can say that the other schools simply didn't see it. Please comment with any questions, feedback, or suggestions! Love you guys!

                                                          Peace and love, 

                                                                Emmy

Exciting News!!

Hey Guys!

                I know this blog isn't completely set up and looking pretty yet, but I wanted to start off my personal entries with a bang, so here it goes……..I got accepted to Tisch at NYU! After a two-year audition process (which will be a whole other post on its own), someone finally noticed me in my very last audition!

                As of right now, I’m not sure what studio I got into because I auditioned for both Acting and Musical Theatre (MT being my first choice, of course), but it really doesn't matter to me at this point. I just want to make Theatre my living and this is the best kick-start I could have asked for!

              

         I am extremely excited because this means so so so so so much more to me than just getting accepted to one of the top theatre institutions in the country (although that’s enough in and of itself). Being from a small town in Connecticut, moving to NYC is going to be, like, the biggest thing I've ever done! So now, this blog is going to be a little different than what I had originally planned. I’m going to be able to tell you (my lovely readers) the truth about my college experience and my new lifestyle. If you have any questions, comments, or advice for me, feel free to ask me or leave a comment below! Also, if there’s anything specific you’d like to ask about the audition process, Tisch or anything at all, I’d love to address them in a post, so just let me know! This blog should be just as much about you as it is about me!

Peace and love,

Emmy 

January 14- First Blog Ever!

Hey bloggers/people who are interested in my personal life!

Since this is my first blog, I thought I'd just kind of introduce myself and put everything out there. I know not many people are actually going to read this because really...who the heck am I? Just some nobody. So, anyway, the purpose of this particular blog is to give myself some form of stress relief via venting, since a lot of my life is forced to be private right now. Warning: I realized when I lump all of my personal life in one place, it sounds kinda sad, but I promise that if you stick with me, I am a very entertaining person, so eventually my blogs will become a little more uplifting.

To begin, I am a freshman in college and I just finished my first semester of college ever. WOO! I am a Theater major and am enrolled to begin the Elementary Education major at the beginning of my sophomore year as well. However, I am currently in the process of re-auditioning for schools with musical theater departments because my true dream is to be on Broadway (eventually). The school I am currently at has very limited theater opportunities and since I want serious, rigorous training, I'm just ready to try something new. I live on campus, but I come home almost every weekend since my parents only live like 40 minutes away. I am beyond in love with theater. I have a younger sister named Sarah who is a freshman in high school (eww). I also have a boyfriend of about a year and a half named Stephen who is a junior in high school. (And yes, I get cougar comments all the time and no, they are no longer funny).

My life has gotten slightly complicated with the start of this year. I found out that I might have a health complication that could lead to me not having children (which is the only part of my future that I thought I had figured out), I have severe depression and anxiety (which I refuse to take medication for) and now, my parents are getting divorced. Before you feel bad for me, my anxiety has always been a part of my life that I just thought was a part of my nervous and slightly neurotic personality. When it got paired with depression when my aunt died of cancer three years ago, it got pretty scary. It also increased when I got to college because I had a lot of time to myself to think...and panic, so things got pretty bad. Anyway, trying to deal with all this stuff while knowing that I have to go back to school next week has gotten me pretty overwhelmed, but this venting is already making me feel better. So far, blogging is a relatively good therapy. Just hoping to keep my chin up and look for the bright side as much as possible for right now!