Making the Most of Being a "Little Fish"

                Living in Manhattan is considered one of the most exciting experiences in the world. The amazing sights, sounds, and opportunities suck in thousands of occupants and hopefuls alike. However, one can get lost in the hustle and bustle of the big city. It’s so easy for a person to feel small and insignificant when living among hundreds and thousands of goal-focused men and women. Having only been here for a few months myself, I find myself thinking quite often: what difference does my life make in such a huge and heavily occupied pond?

                What I’ve decided to do is make my life count- like really count! By trying to improve myself and therefore affect the future generations, I feel that I can make every day meaningful for both myself and those around me. Here are some of the goals that I hope to work on in the upcoming year:

1.       Be less superficial: As a girly girl, I tend to get caught up in loving makeup and tutorials- it verges on obsessive. That’s all perfectly fine, in my opinion, but it seems that my first thought upon meeting a new person (which tends to happen a lot during the first semester of school, by the way) is regarding whether they’re attractive or not. What the hell is that about? That’s not supposed to be a conscious thing you actually say to yourself in your head. I’ve begun to obsess over it when in reality, people have so much more to offer than their appearance. I hope to turn my focus on myself more to “healthy” than to “pretty” and think less about other’s appearances and more about what’s on the inside.

2.       Become my own woman!: Most women are very confident in the fact that they’re independent and don’t need a man- I’m not lucky enough to be one of those women and never have been. Every day, I just daydream about when my prince charming will get here a whisk me away. I so strongly prefer being in a relationship that I feel that I am very emotionally dependent on another person, whether a consistent friend or boyfriend. In moving to the city, I’ve already taken a step toward independence and as of being recently single as a result, I hope to continue the independence on an emotional level, as difficult as this can be in a new environment.

3.       Make the most of my time in college: Real moment: college is super expensive, so I want to get as much out of it as possible! For me, that means figuring out if I want to minor in something and also to be 100% sure that this major is for me by taking a wide variety of classes about many different subjects. I also want to stay focused on my acting without turning into the typical cut-throat, competitive aspiring actress. I want to find a balance between doing what I love in studio and still having time for truly experiencing New York entirely.  I want to discover what I REALLY love. Originally, as most of you know, I thought my calling was in the realm of musical theater, and I obviously love acting with all my heart, which is why I accepted changing my focus with open arms. However, as I’m learning more about myself, I’m realizing that I adore kids, weddings, fashion, writing for you guys (both articles and stories) and so much more! I’m hoping to figure this out through studio and NYC, which combination makes me happiest.

4.       Find balance between new life and family: I absolutely had to leave home to follow my dream and I completely understand embracing independence, but my family has always been super close. My new goal is to go home for one weekend every month, but it’s already been more frequent than that. I really hope that it will eventually become a relatively even balance of time and effort.

5.       Read books: The best sense of satisfaction accompanies finishing a good book, especially one that you’ve wanted to read for a long time. Although it might be a challenge schedule-wise, I hope to revisit favorites and classics and read great books that I’ve heard of, but never had the time to read. This is another way for me to learn through my own devices and choices.

6.       Only reach out to my true friends: College is all about meeting new people. It’s totally okay to have only superficial friends at first, but I eventually want to get to a point where I’m only putting in effort to genuine, loyal friends, both from home and school. This will assist with my visits back home as well because it’ll still be nice and everything, but old fake friends won’t hold me back. I will therefore be able to let go of negativity in my past and move forward in my new life on an emotional level.

7.       Find a way to help people: As much as I love acting, it’s always felt like a very self-serving profession. I’ve recently found a way for it to be less selfish (which I will talk about later, in case you’re interested), but I also try to reach out and help others through my writing. I’m interested in a little volunteer work on the sides as well. It doesn’t seem like much, but a small difference in the world around you is still a difference and you have no idea who you could be affecting.

8.       Broaden cultural horizons: Coming from a small town, I experienced little to no cultural diversity in my lifetime and the furthest I’ve travelled is Maine. NYU is incredibly diverse, and if I’m able to go abroad, I will be able to open my mind to new experiences and people. This one’s pretty self-explanatory, so I’ll move on to the end. (I think y’all have read enough at this point).

In general, I’m trying to figure out a way to make my life more meaningful every single day and I hope to inspire my readers to join me on this journey. You may be a little fish, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make a big splash, both personally and for others.

Peace and love!

Emmy

A Friendly Warning

Hey guys, long time no talk!

(Just letting you know, I wrote this a long time ago, so keep that in mindJ)

                This weekend, I went home for an event at my old high school that tons of alumni go to. I was so excited to see all my friends that were coming home and to be doing something with my sister. I was just really looking forward to it! Then, on Thursday night, I was having a talk with one of my best friends from home who conveniently goes to the same college (it’s always nice to have at least one….you know, girl emergencies and such) and she was really upset that I was going home for this event that we knew my ex would be at. She said even though there was only a small chance of a direct run-in, I had made so much progress since we broke up (after 2 years together, in case you didn’t know). She also didn’t want me to look like “pathetic ex-girlfriend running around the old high school,” but I could care less about that.

                All night, I could not figure out what my friend meant. Did she think that although I’m not totally over it, I would regress back to being a total basket-case? That I would go back to changing the radio station every time any type of love song came on? That would go back to posting everything I did on Facebook to show him how “happy” I am and how great my life is? Well, I still sort of do that, let’s be honest. But really, does she think I’m that weak? Ladies and gents, I now know EXACTLY what she meant. The hole is back in my chest, the sinking feeling back in my stomach, the choking sadness back in my throat. Just from seeing him…and him not even acknowledging me. Awkward encounter is one thing, this was a whole new kind of hurt.

                When you think of 2 months after a break up, you picture someone moving on with their life, or even someone who’s perfectly okay when they reflect on their relationship, even someone who’s friends with their ex. I have realized that I am nowhere near this stage. Why does it feel like in the ending of relationships, I’m the only person who can’t let go?

Identity Crisis!

New York City, the fashion capital of the world. The kind of place where you have to make even your comfiest outfits cute or you feel self-conscious. Whether your style is chic and fashion-forward or relaxed and edgy, New York City seems to have a whole lot of people who seem to have the same unique vision that you do. Even living in a small town I noticed this becoming a problem: no matter how different your “you” style was, you would see other individuals who looked as if they were going for the exact same vibe. My question is this: how do we remain a one-of-a-kind when everything different about us is becoming mainstream?

                I don’t know about you guys, but I always considered my personality and my interests as slightly quirky. I tend to be a combo of hipster, nerdy and fashionista. It works somehow, I swear. Anyway, I enjoy videogames, both old and under-appreciated music, records, Disney and superheroes (I tend to be more of a Marvel girl as well). On top of this, I somehow also tend to enjoy the more mainstream girly things, including makeup, fashion and the classic Audrey Hepurn. These have obviously been interests that have developed throughout my entire life. Do any of these things sound familiar? It seems like all of these special topics that I thought made my interests unique have become mainstream in every way possible. In other words, what I’m finding now is that a huge challenge is facing all of us: being different is now considered generic. I’m therefore finding it even more difficult to attempt to be original, seeing as the majority of my interests have become mainstream phenomena. Everything we thought we knew about “hipster style,” “boho,” “superhero nerds” and “cute girls who secretly like videogames” is disappearing into mainstream concepts.

                So here’s an even bigger question: what do we do now? After a long and thorough thought process before posting this article, I finally came to a concrete conclusion: Screw it! If everything we do in an attempt to be different is getting classified as mainstream, then who cares about labels? I say dress how you want, be interested in what you want, do what every person should be aiming to do with their style. This way, whatever makes you the happiest and brings you the most joy is going to become your “style.” I’m pretty sure that’s how most types of styles were created in the first place! Instead of trying to fit into an existing type of style or a combo of different styles in an attempt to avoid being mainstream, just take all of your favorite things and combine them to make your own style, a new style. And if anyone calls you mainstream for what you enjoy, then who cares? If it’s a part of your style, then there’s a reason why you love it.

Peace and love,
Emmy

Personal Rant

Hey everyone!

                This is my very first post from my new dorm room in New York City! This is also my very first post that isn’t premeditated in any way. I have just been going through something that I wanted to share with my amazing readers to hear if you guys have any advice for me or any relatable stories because I’m feeling a little alone here.

                Warning: I’m probably going to end up being brutally honest and open here, which means I’m putting myself out there on the internet and am going to be in a vulnerable position, so please, only positive comments and feedback are encouraged. If you have nothing nice to say, please let this be a time when you don’t say anything at all. So for the past few years, I’ve been struggling with depression. It started right around my senior year of high school, but the worst it ever got was last year while I was going to school in Connecticut. Everyone says depression in college is sooooo common and I understand that, but I only went to school for one semester and I came home every weekend, so it wasn’t homesickness. I also thought it was my lack of motivation toward the theater program at the school where I was bored all the time, but it was really more my anxiety that was driving me crazy. During the day I’d be fine, but at night I would miss my family (even though I saw them every weekend), I was having scary thoughts about death and the meaning of life and God and my religion, to the point where I would have panic attacks almost nightly after my roommate fell asleep. I have always struggled with anxiety, but never social anxiety or anything like that. I love being around a lot of people and speaking in front of people. My anxiety always stems from my own thoughts that I try so hard to push out of my head but just can’t. It got to a point where I obviously dreaded going to sleep, so I ended up staying up super late and eventually starting sleeping all day through several classes at a time. I still passed with a 3.9 GPA just because I was so bored, but it was still a problem.

                Over winter break, I decided to take a semester off because I felt like I was wasting time while making my mental state a mess. So, during my semester home, the anxiety part got better, but the depression got worse because I was constantly mad at things that were beyond control, like my parents’ actions as well as their divorce and things like that. I continued auditioning for schools with a feeling of “I can’t wait to get away from my parents so I can stop being angry.” I started cutting myself to release some of my constant frustration, but that was only a temporary fix until the next urge. I stopped that within three months because I realized how irrational it was. I still got urges, but I haven’t acted on them since. When I got into Tisch, I was nothing but excited. Then, the night before I left for move in, I had a minor panic attack. However, I didn’t even cry when my mom, dad and sister left from moving me into the city. The second night, the anxiety began to kick up again and for the past two nights, I’ve wanted nothing more than to forget this whole thing and go back home and go to community college so that my family can help me through this anxiety. BUT I’m absolutely fine during the day, with the exception of momentary lapses. I don’t have any urges to cut anymore, I just have no idea what’s going on with me. It’s not just “Oh, I’m depressed” because for the most part, I don’t really feel that way. I almost feel bipolar depending on the time of day, but I don’t think it’s severe enough to be categorized that way, I’m honestly at a loss. I really did expect everything to stop when I got here, and so far it hasn’t. All I know is that my anxiety is making me not want to be here when this has been my dream for as long as I can remember, so if anyone has any advice or ideas, please share! Thank you guys and I appreciate any support.

Peace and love,
Emmy