Hey everyone!
This is
my very first post from my new dorm room in New York City! This is also my very
first post that isn’t premeditated in any way. I have just been going through
something that I wanted to share with my amazing readers to hear if you guys
have any advice for me or any relatable stories because I’m feeling a little
alone here.
Warning:
I’m probably going to end up being brutally honest and open here, which means I’m
putting myself out there on the internet and am going to be in a vulnerable position,
so please, only positive comments and feedback are encouraged. If you have
nothing nice to say, please let this be a time when you don’t say anything at
all. So for the past few years, I’ve been struggling with depression. It
started right around my senior year of high school, but the worst it ever got
was last year while I was going to school in Connecticut. Everyone says
depression in college is sooooo common and I understand that, but I only went
to school for one semester and I came home every weekend, so it wasn’t homesickness.
I also thought it was my lack of motivation toward the theater program at the
school where I was bored all the time, but it was really more my anxiety that
was driving me crazy. During the day I’d be fine, but at night I would miss my
family (even though I saw them every weekend), I was having scary thoughts
about death and the meaning of life and God and my religion, to the point where
I would have panic attacks almost nightly after my roommate fell asleep. I have
always struggled with anxiety, but never social anxiety or anything like that.
I love being around a lot of people and speaking in front of people. My anxiety
always stems from my own thoughts that I try so hard to push out of my head but
just can’t. It got to a point where I obviously dreaded going to sleep, so I
ended up staying up super late and eventually starting sleeping all day through
several classes at a time. I still passed with a 3.9 GPA just because I was so
bored, but it was still a problem.
Over
winter break, I decided to take a semester off because I felt like I was
wasting time while making my mental state a mess. So, during my semester home,
the anxiety part got better, but the depression got worse because I was
constantly mad at things that were beyond control, like my parents’ actions as
well as their divorce and things like that. I continued auditioning for schools
with a feeling of “I can’t wait to get away from my parents so I can stop being
angry.” I started cutting myself to release some of my constant frustration,
but that was only a temporary fix until the next urge. I stopped that within three
months because I realized how irrational it was. I still got urges, but I haven’t
acted on them since. When I got into Tisch, I was nothing but excited. Then,
the night before I left for move in, I had a minor panic attack. However, I
didn’t even cry when my mom, dad and sister left from moving me into the city.
The second night, the anxiety began to kick up again and for the past two
nights, I’ve wanted nothing more than to forget this whole thing and go back
home and go to community college so that my family can help me through this
anxiety. BUT I’m absolutely fine during the day, with the exception of
momentary lapses. I don’t have any urges to cut anymore, I just have no idea
what’s going on with me. It’s not just “Oh, I’m depressed” because for the most
part, I don’t really feel that way. I almost feel bipolar depending on the time
of day, but I don’t think it’s severe enough to be categorized that way, I’m
honestly at a loss. I really did expect everything to stop when I got here, and
so far it hasn’t. All I know is that my anxiety is making me not want to be
here when this has been my dream for as long as I can remember, so if anyone
has any advice or ideas, please share! Thank you guys and I appreciate any
support.
Peace and love,
Emmy
